Always on my Mind

God is SO GOOD!
I've been fasting since monday and the Lord has done so much in my heart, I can't even begin to put it into words, but I'll try :)
The past few weeks have really been a struggle for me (as noted in the highschool/college post). Just to recap for anyone who didn't read that one, I have felt like though I am in college, my family still has it in mind that I am not. I got SO FED UP with it because I think I should be doing things different than what is going on right now. Sunday afternoon was the last straw, and I finally broke down (to my grandparents, oddly enough). And then I felt a little better, just sort of getting it all out. But I realized there was so much more built up. I really hadn't thought of it as a grudge or a big deal, but it definitely was. There was STILL more in there, and more that was added, last night. I really wanted to drive to prayer at the church, because my dad had let me do it the week before. Since there was some snow on the streets in our neighborhood, my mom had to take me. That was another bit of bitterness (wow, didn't think it was THAT bad!).
I got to prayer and just started worshipping and walking around and stuff when I just had this feeling to go get my journal out. So I did, and it started pouring out through my fingertips to the pen onto the paper. All the thoughts, frustration, everything was thrust out of my being onto the page. And, of course, I started bawling. Then started the healing/recovery process. It's kind of ironic (but I guess that's how God works), because my prayer when I was done writing was that my parents would trust me more. God started speaking to me through song (what a surprise [not really]) I hadn't really understood fully what the second part of the chorus to "Healer" by Planetshakers was until then. "I believe you're my Portion. I believe you're more than enough for me. Jesus, you're all I need." God was saying that I just needed to put all my trust in Him...He will walk with me through the fire, and calm my raging seas. But He can't do that without all my trust.
Wow, did I feel like a weight was lifted off! or should I say weights: frustration, doubt, worry, lukewarmness, etc. I received a new fresh appetite for the Lord. I have been praying for a long time for a new revelation from Him, and I got it. Now I seriously can't stop thinking about Him. He really is always on my mind.

College: physically High School: mentally (and sometimes physically)

I have been going through some tough stuff lately dealing with my college situation while living at home. Though I am currently enrolled at UNO, I feel like no one besides me in my family has made the mental switch over to knowing that I am in college. I talk to all my colleagiate friends, and they are living in the dorms, not needing to ask before they go somewhere or not having anyone look over their shoulder and make sure they are going to bed on time, etc. and i think of my life.

I am driven to school and home from school every day.
I have to fully inform my parents of what I have going on so that they can DRIVE me there, since, of course, I can't drive at night to go to church, cru, cell group, etc.
I have to make sure my room is in order every day and make my bed every day to make sure it's okayed by my mom.
I have to do chores, do my homework, etc. when my parents tell me to.
I have to go to bed when everyone else does (by 10) every nite.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but right now I do not want to be in this house. I need space, I need wiggle room, I need a place I can grow on my 0wn. I am at my wit's end. I know that God is putting me through this to grow me, but right now, I am longing to see the light at the end of the tunnel- to be off at college.

I'm praying so much for this whole person scholarship at ORU. I want it SO bad, and am praying that God has his hand on my application, on my interview, and on the judges' decisions when I do go down to tulsa to compete. But if it isn't God's will for me to go to ORU next year, I will definitely be living in the dorms at UNO.